Whether intentional or not, this form of abuse can have severe mental health ramifications.
Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year in 2022, Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates the victim's perception of reality. The abuser may lie, deny, or distort the truth to make the victim doubt their own memory, judgment, or perception and most of all, feelings. They may make the victim feel like they're crazy, overly sensitive, irrational and invalidated. This manipulation tactic can be done in many different ways, from denying something ever happened to questioning the victim's recollection of events. Gaslighting is not always intentional particularly in Neurodiverse Relationships. It all may lead to anxiety, depression, isolation, psychological trauma.
Gaslighting Tactics:
Withholding: This tactic is characterized by someone feigning ignorance or refusing to listen.
Trivializing: This involves an abusive individual downplaying someone's concerns or feelings, making them seem insignificant or irrational.
Forgetting: An abusive person pretends to have forgotten something or denies that it occurred.
Countering: An abusive individual questions someone's memory of events, even when that person has recalled them correctly.
Diverting: This technique occurs when an abusive person changes the subject or focuses on discrediting what someone is saying rather than addressing the actual content. Some refer to it as "blocking."
They may say this:
"You're overreacting"
"You're imagining things."
"Nothing you're saying makes sense; do you even hear yourself?"
"You're not thinking clearly."
"You're making yourself the victim when I'm the one who should be mad."
"You're being paranoid."
"You're acting crazy" or "You're overreacting."
"You're always making stuff up."
"You're making a big deal out of nothing, like always."
"This is what happened, or this is what I said."
"I was joking! You take everything personally."
"That never even happened."
"Why should I believe you? Everyone knows you're full of it."
"You're too sensitive."
"You're too emotional."
"You know you sound insane right now, right?"
"You're so dramatic."
How to Recognize it
Recognizing gaslighting can be difficult because it often happens gradually, and the victim may not realize what's happening. However, there are some common signs of gaslighting to watch out for, including:
Constantly second-guessing yourself
Feeling like you're always wrong
Apologizing often, even when you don't believe you did anything wrong
Feeling like you're losing your mind
Feeling confused or unable to make decisions
Isolation from friends and family
What to Do About Gaslighting
If you suspect you're being gaslighted, it's important to take action. Here are some strategies you can use to protect yourself:
Trust your instincts. If something feels off or wrong, it probably is.
Trust Your Memory: Believe in your recollection of events when you know you're right.
Keep a record of what's happening. Write down what the abuser says and does.
Talk to someone you trust. Share your experience with a friend, family member, or therapist.
Seek Understanding: Encourage open communication and ensure your concerns are heard.
Set boundaries. Let the abuser know what is and isn't acceptable behavior.
Practice self-care. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Remind: Politely remind the person of the facts they may have conveniently "forgotten."
Assert Validity: Emphasize the importance of your concerns and feelings, even when they're being trivialized.
Stay Focused: Redirect the conversation to the subject at hand and the process and content of what you're discussing, rather than getting sidetracked by their diversion tactics like "well I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't done that."
Seek help with individual, traditional couples or neurodiverse couples therapy.
Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse that can happen to anyone. If you suspect you're being gaslighted by your neurotypical or neurodiverse partner, it's important to take action to protect yourself. Remember that you're not crazy and that what you're experiencing is not your fault. With the right support and strategies, you can heal from gaslighting and move forward in a healthy and positive way.
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