The word neurodiversity refers to the diversity of all people, but it is often used in the context of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), as well as other neurological or developmental conditions such as ADHD or learning disabilities. The neurodiversity movement emerged during the 1990s, aiming to increase acceptance and inclusion of all people while embracing neurological differences.
-Harvard Medical School
Neurodiversity in Relationships​
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It may have taken you years to realize you are in a neurodiverse (ND) relationship. A diagnosis is often a relief for so many.
It explains so much about the challenges facing you both. Now you seek out a therapist with experience in neurodiversity.
ND relationships require specific strategies tailored to the unique nature of this dynamic. Traditional couples therapy is not always the best route for an ND couple. In fact, I have often heard from some of my clients that previous traditional couples therapy has set them back. I invite you to set up a free consult session so I can learn about your needs and find out if
I am the right fit for you.
Struggles of the Neuro'typical' partner​
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What is Cassandra Syndrome?
What is Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome?
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This phenomenon emerges when the insights, concerns, or perspectives shared by a neuro’typical’ partner are
disregarded or dismissed by others, mirroring the Greek myth of Cassandra who's accurate prophecies where unheeded. Individuals experiencing Cassandra Syndrome (or Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS)) face a profound struggle to communicate effectively with their ND partner and have their feelings and perspectives acknowledged. Both can stem from certain traumas or unmet attachment needs as a child or from a lack of emotional connection with an partner. It is often more associated with intimate relationships with someone on the spectrum.
Here are some possible symptoms.
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In the context of an autism or ADHD affected relationship, the neurotypical partner might find themselves in a position where their attempts to communicate the needs, preferences, or emotional cues to their autistic partner are misunderstood or invalidated. It may even be invalidated by friends and family as, the ND partner may be adept at masking in front of others. This continual lack of validation and understanding can lead to significant emotional distress, anxiety, isolated and even depression. It underscores the importance of fostering understanding, empathy, and restructuring communication patterns within ND relationships.
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Explore the symptoms here:
Effects of Differing Neuro/Developmental Levels on Neurotypical/Autism Spectrum Adult Relationships
Struggles of the Neurodiverse Partner​
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Individuals on the autism spectrum often face misunderstanding and misinterpretation from the world around them due to the unique ways in which they perceive and interact with their environment. It can lead to others misjudging them, their intentions and emotional states.
Atypical communication styles of someone on the spectrum:
​• limited eye contact
​• black and white thinking
​• emotional flooding leading to communication shutdown
​• difficulty grasping social nuances
​• difficulty reading facial expressions
​• literal thinking/reasoning
​• monotone speech
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Additionally, sensory sensitivities that cause certain textures, sounds, or lights to be overwhelming might prompt
seemingly unexpected reactions that are hard for neurotypical individuals to comprehend. The tendency for routine and predictability, which provides comfort to many on the spectrum, can be misinterpreted as resistance to change or rigidity. Social situations that require quick decision-making or flexible responses can also pose challenges, potentially leading to behaviors that are seen as socially inappropriate or disruptive. The descrepancies between the neurotypical world's expectations and the unique ways in which individuals on the spectrum navigate it can inadvertently lead to judgments, isolation, and missed opportunities for meaningful connections. For this reason ASD partners can potentially suffer their own kind of depression or anxiety as well.
Alexithymia
Alexithymia is a psychological phenomenon that sometimes occurs with people on the spectrum. It is characterized by difficulty in identifying, understanding, and expressing one's own emotions. People with alexithymia often struggle to recognize and describe their feelings, and they might also have trouble distinguishing between emotions and physical sensations. This condition can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining interpersonal relationships, as effective communication and empathy can be hindered by the inability to express and comprehend emotions.
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There are generally two main dimensions of alexithymia:
1. Difficulty Identifying Emotions: Individuals with this dimension have trouble recognizing and labeling their own emotions. They might experience emotions but find it hard to pinpoint exactly what they are feeling.
2. Difficulty Describing Emotions: This dimension relates to the difficulty individuals have in expressing their emotions to others. They might struggle to find words to describe how they feel or to convey the intensity of their emotions.
Although alexithymia is not classified as a standalone mental disorder in the DSM-5, some studies suggest that up to 50% of people with alexithymia also experience symptoms of depression or anxiety. It's often considered a personality trait that can be present to varying degrees in different individuals. It's frequently associated with conditions such as autism spectrum disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and certain medical conditions, but it can also exist independently.
Therapies and interventions, such as neurodiverse informed psychotherapy and emotional awareness training, can be beneficial for individuals dealing with alexithymia by helping them develop a better understanding of their emotions and improving their ability to communicate their feelings.
A Roadmap for Neurodiverse Couples
• Shift from inaccurate negative interpretations of behaviors to a clearer understanding and appreciation of each other.
• Narrow the communication gap between distinctly different partners.
• Develop specific, usable and measurable tactics for diminishing anger and rebuilding trust.
•Developing new strategies for coping with stress and social anxiety.
•Address major areas of conflict including parenting, chore sharing and spending time together.
•Learn how to prepare for and accept change.
• Explore different approaches to sensory issues.
• Improve emotional and physical intimacy.
• Identify critical personal boundaries and learn how to express them with care and compassion.
• Help each partner come to terms with his or her role in marital issues and gain the inspiration to change direction.
• Create a clear written plan to reach long-term goals for your marriage that align with who you are as individuals.